Disappointment. Frustration. Anger. Sadness. Even grief, in a way. These are all emotions that have been wracking at my soul since this past Friday. We were all attached to that house. It was already our home. We were moved in there in our heads and hearts...just not with our bodies and our belongings. I know that in the grand scheme of things a house just isn't that important. I know that there are far worse things we could be facing and I am ever-so-grateful that we are not facing a life & death situation here. And yet. I am struggling.
It seemed like God put all the pieces together for us. The way that our house sale and finding the new house came together so perfectly, so smoothly, and with such obvious God-ordained timing. I know some of you out there know exactly of what I speak. So now what am I supposed to think? He didn't? He changed His mind? I had it wrong? We're supposed to learn a lesson? God has some bigger, grander, better plan for us?
No offense, but I don't believe it's the latter. God doesn't promise wonderful stuff for us on this earth. He doesn't play "Big, Bigger, Best" like some of the youth groups...trading in one thing for something slightly better. He promises us a hope and future, Jeremiah 29:11, but something in me believes He's really referring to a hope in Christ and a future in heaven. Do I believe God changed His mind? Nope. Do I think I'm supposed to be learning a lesson? Maybe. Did I have it wrong - was it not all God-ordained back in October? I don't think so. Do crappy things sometimes happen and God uses them to bring Him glory? Yes. Definitely. What will bring God glory in this? Well, in fact, I could. I'm supposed to bring all the glory to God, even in this very disappointing time. I'm not entirely sure how to do this because it often seems like we say, "Soli Deo Gloria" whenever we are blessed by something. It's much harder to say "Soli Deo Gloria" when we're going through struggles.
And yet. It is all for His glory. Perhaps the way I conduct myself despite the fact that I'm hurting can bring God glory, because I can tell you this: it is only because of God (& the fact that He gave me Ed as a husband) that I am not lashing out constantly. I don't tend to be very rational, logical, or sensible when I am feeling this way. But really, God will receive the glory simply because He IS. Because He is God. And that should simply be enough.
Because He is God, we are choosing to trust. And for me, that is a very conscious choice and decision that lately I have to make about 100 times a day, whenever the anger and frustration stirs up again. I've been reading Jesus Calling (no coincidence in timing there, either) and several phrases have helped me to choose to trust simply because He is God, even though every ounce of my humanity doesn't want to.
Try saying, "I trust you, Jesus" in response to whatever happens to you...when you view events from this perspective...fear loses its grip on you.
It is through problems and failure, weakness and neediness that you learn to rely on Me.
Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness.
I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey.
Seek My Face, and you will find more than you ever dreamed possible...Let Me displace worry at the center of your being...When you seek Me, you will find Me.
Anything that tends to make you anxious is a growth opportunity...instead of running away from these challenges, embrace them, eager to gain all the blessings I have hidden in the difficulties...if you believe that I am sovereign over every aspect of your life, it is possible to trust Me in all situations...trust is like a staff you can lean on, as you journey uphill with me..the staff will bear as much of your weight as needed...lean on, trust, and be confident in Me with all your heart and mind.
And so, I struggle. Because I am human. And I choose to trust God because He is God. And I give Him all the glory that I can even do that.